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| I've never been a fan of Slipknot, but I really enjoy "Snuff". It's a slow song and is absolutely beautiful.
Do you ever wonder if you made the right decisions in life? Do you ever feel ashamed of what has happened? I ask this because of MySpace.
I look around me and my son is passed out in the floor, I love him so much and he has changed my life more than anyone without a kid could imagine. It's not always bad, even if I still struggle with attachment issues. My boyfriend is sitting there playing a computer game and has no idea I'm thinking about someone else. I feel guilty for dwelling. My boyfriend is great (most of the time, he IS male haha). He loves me unconditionally, for which he deserves the highest medal possible. We have been together almost 2 years, he is the longest relationship I've had and I know that we will get married and be happy in raising our son.
Someone tell me why that makes me cry right now. Why I'm trying to explain and convince myself.
Back to MySpace..I found an ex. He is the only one I've ever looked for, he is the only one I truly could have seen myself with forever. We broke up on my 20th birthday. Isn't is so ironic that we broke up because I didn't ever want kids and he did (he was 24). We talked a few times after we broke up, and he begged me to change my mind and stay together but I just couldn't. I want to send him a friend request but I just don't think I can handle it, and I'm sure he doesn't want to know I'm in a relationship and have a kid (again, how freakin' ironic). I wish I could thank him for changing me and showing me true love.
Maybe I'm just having a hard time accepting that I will never feel that rush of dating again, falling in love and wondering where it will go, being spontaneous.
I feel guilty for thinking these thoughts. I feel sad knowing that my boyfriend probably has the same thoughts about his ex sometimes. I guess that's part of a relationship. Is it normal to have these thoughts?
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| We decided to try letting the baby cry it out last night.
He has been waking up around 2am and then every 30 minutes after until he gets up for the morning at 8. He's been doing this since he was 4 months old (he's 9 1/2 months now). He knows when he cries that one of us will go pick him up and bring him back to bed. I'm sure you can imagine how hard this has been on us as far as sleep and mental/physical health, as well as our relationship.
So we decided to give it a try, what's the worse that could happen? So baby G wakes up at 2:25 and starts crying. We let him cry for about 5 minutes, then BF turns off the monitor. About 5 minutes after that he gets up and says it's not working and it's bad for G. I told him to go lay on the couch then and we have to stick it out. After arguing, me sitting outside G's door, and giving it "5 more minutes", G finally goes back to sleep. It only took 35 minutes. And the best part, besides that accomplishment, was that he slept until 9 this morning.
I'm sure our neighbors hated us last night. I don't care though, they are so loud and their little kids run around and we hear every footstep, they also let their kids play with bouncy balls in the kitchen, so we hear that for an hour a night. They even woke G up once when he actually went to bed early (early = before 10). Therefore, they can shove it.
While he was going back to sleep I started talking about how I feel and how I hate coming home and G's behaviors have to stop (waking up all night, going to bed at 10pm). I want to raise a happy and secure child, but I also want to raise an independent child. I told him that I didn't think our relationship was working and that I hate coming home lately. I think that really made him listen to what I was saying. It was nice to say something and him pay attention and take into consideration how I feel about things. I just wish somehow he could understand that being bipolar isn't something I can think "I should be happy" and it go away. It's very hard when he says that he doesn't understand and the only time he was depressed he was able to turn it around by thinking. I feel like he thinks I should be able to just tell myself that I have a good life and it will all go away. I also told him I resent him for going to his friends houses and having 2 nights a week away from all this. I get zero time, zero minutes a week where I'm not at work or here cleaning and cooking and taking care of G.
He is trying to help me though, and I can tell last night got to him more than any other talks we have. It's sad that it had to come down to me telling him I was thinking of leaving and that I didn't enjoy our relationship. This morning he made breakfast, and this afternoon he took G to his friends house to watch a game. It's nice being alone and having total me time.
But they are coming home soon and I need to do laundry and wash bottles and all the other Mom responsibilities.
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| I'm not sure what I'm feeling tonight. Dread, anxiety, exhaustion. We got into our apartment last night, and have been moving and/or packing and/or unpacking since 5pm yesterday. This is my last night here in this house. I have such anxiety about moving tomorrow, I feel like I've been shoved out. I've lived in apartments before (two of them), so these emotions are confusing me even more. I don't know that I can explain too much.
I'm scared that I am not going to get any help with my son now. My mom helps me so much and now we are going to be farther away. I still don't want to be a mother, I don't want to take care of him all the time, and I hoped that this feeling would have gone away by now. I still have another month before I see my psychiatrist, not that medicine is the cure-all..
The boyfriend and I have been fighting a LOT these last few weeks. Mostly about money, he got a lot back on his taxes and has spent it all already and hasn't helped pay for any of the big things..including the kitchen table, bed, and mattress. He didn't turn on the cable and internet, even though I've asked him for weeks, so now we are going to be in the apartment for over a week without anything to do. I get so mad and frustrated because lately I feel like he's just another person to take care of and I need a partner not a dependent. That probably sounds harsh but honestly that's how I feel sometimes. I hope that this feeling will reside once we get settled in. I hate asking people for help and pestering him for money is the worst, but so is feeling like this towards someone I'm supposed to love.
I'm on vacation this week, and I really really don't want to go back to work. They laid 28 people off 2 weeks ago, and there will be more to come due to Medicaid cutting budgets. Agh, I don't want to even talk about that, but I am almost certain that my company will go bankrupt by the end of the year thanks to Medicaid. I don't even care at this point, I hate my job so much and it's just getting worse.
My son is getting so big and that's sad too. He will be 9 months old next week. He is crawling and standing and walking while holding on to things. He is getting better at sitting down, he feeds himself snacks, he hasn't let me hold him to feed him in months. What happened to my little boy? He is frustrating and I can see his stubborn personality now, but then he does something and smiles and crawls to me and it makes it all worthwhile.
On another random note, I've had a sinus infection for at least 3 months now. It's killing me, my nose is so sore. This moving and dust is about to be the end of me. I'm currently on my second round of antibiotics and got a cortisone shot on top of it. I also went back to my knee doctor a few weeks ago, he gave me a cortisone shot under my kneecap (as painful as it sounds and I had a reaction to it), and it's just made my knee hurt worse instead of not at all. It seems pointless to go back yet again, I'm afraid that he will make me have another MRI and more surgery. It's getting a bit ridiculous, 5 months and I still can't get on my knees, I still can't squat, I still can't stand up from sitting, stairs are completely out of the question. When my knee pops, my leg gets cold and my foot goes numb. I guess I should look forward to another surgery, it can't get much worse than this can it?
I know, don't answer that.
I guess I should finish packing and go to bed early. Tomorrow we move the rest of the stuff and then all the furniture. I'm sure I won't be able to walk the rest of the week.
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| I promised myself that I would write something positive in here.
We are moving March 1st, into our "first apartment". He had stuff, I had stuff, but tonight we went shopping for our stuff.
We got done and loaded it in the car, and he turned to me and said "We just shopped for OUR things."
How sweet, coming from a man.
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| I'm not really sure where to begin. Maybe I should start by saying that I only write here when I'm feeling depressed, but that it doesn't mean I am depressed all the time. Most of the time, but not all. That being said, I have done some serious thinking recently. I've realized some major things, and pardon my language, the theme is 'do it or don't'.
1 - I feel like my relationship is at the point where it's 'shit or get off the pot'. I've gotten my hopes up several times about things going forward. I try and try not to care, but of course the more you try not to think of something the more you think about it. I don't want to get my hopes up only to be let down. That's something I've been doing a lot lately. I can't get crushed any more, I am so emotionally drained. I'm not sure why I want to get married, other than it's 'the right thing to do'. Nothing will change.
That's when I had my first huge realization: I am afraid of the past repeating itself. I was engaged 2 years ago, he changed his mind all of a sudden and I was left to pick up what few pieces were left. I can't go through that again. CAN'T. I guess with all that's been going on and me being so depressed all the time I think that B is going to leave me too. I know that's not fair to assume, and he tells me that he wouldn't..but I've been told that before.
2 - This is so hard for me to say, and I know how awful this is going to sound. I still don't want to be a mother. There are days where it's good, but it seems like lately there are more bad than good. He won't stop screaming at every single thing and he has now learned how to throw tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants. This may not sound like a huge deal, but I leave my job so stressed and hopeless that I usually cry on the way home, and then being so depressed and tired..it's just not a good mix. I just can't handle it. I don't want to come home because I know it's going to be the same thing, screaming until I break down and he finally gives up at 9 or 9:30 and by that time I go straight to bed. Wash rinse repeat. I've been staying at my mom's longer and she pretty much takes care of him most of the time because I just can't do it. Which leads me to..
3 - We are planning on moving in March, farther away and I won't have much help. If I can't handle it now with all the help, how am I supposed to handle it then? It scares me, it causes me a lot of anxiety, and when I think about it I usually end up crying. Actually I've been crying a whole lot lately. I just can't handle it anymore.
4 - I hate my job so so so so much. They are awful. We are a non-profit mental health center which is very known in a large part of my state. All the emails we get are griping about how much money we are losing because of uncompensated care (discounted fees for those without insurance). Hello, that's what we are about. We are almost $1 million under budget and boy do we hear about it every 2 weeks. We are supposed to make that up before July 1st. It's not our fault, but they have to blame someone. So they give us more work, put a hiring freeze on, yell at us for everything. They hired someone to do a large part of our jobs, which means they are either about to give us a shitload of awful work or they are going to start laying people off. My strong bet is for the second. They push us and push us and then wonder why we just give up on caring. I am so stressed constantly, which wraps into what I was saying earlier. That's all I can really talk about right now.
5- I have so many appointments lately. I see a psychologist every other week, I see a psychiatrist for medicine. Now I'm seeing a neurologist for my migraines. I had to have a MRI last week and have to wait until Feb. 5th for the results. Someone asked me if I was worried they would find something, but at this point I'm more worried if there's nothing. There are 3 meds they use: the first I'm on and it's absolutely not working; the second is one that causes kidney stones (I have had several before) and it made my fingers hands arms and face tingle and go numb; the third is an anti-depressant, I absolutely refuse to take it because I have had nothing but awful results. So there's either something really wrong or I'm screwed and have to live with headaches every single day and migraines 2-5 times a month.
To top it off, I had knee surgery at the beginning of October and it still feels worse than before I had surgery. It's supposed to be better by now. I know 3 people who've had the exact surgery and said it was completely better after 2 months. If I go back to the doctor all he'll do is send me to physical therapy, which I'm already doing at home. I can't get in the floor and play with my son, I can't be on my knees AT ALL, I can't bend my knees to pick something up and I can't squat down. My lower leg gets really cold and tingles a lot of the time. I can't afford surgery, not even my 20% (of $8000..yeah).
6 - My best friend is so depressed, she keeps texting me saying there's no reason to live and all this stuff. Yeah, I feel the exact same so how can I tell her that everything is going to be okay? It's so depressing, as selfish as that sounds.
Ok, it's 11pm and I have to be up at 6. I feel slightly better getting this out. I guess.
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